Posted 3:21 AM by The Consultant

Kodak Moments

Sometimes, as the life is whizzing past you, suddenly everything stands still. All the things that have happened to you make sense, right from the dumb clerks in the accounts department in your college to the time when you missed the food that you criticized so often at home. You notice that the humanity still exists even in the increasingly monotonous and mechanical world. It is a pleasant surprise to you, as if you have just found an old photo of yours in a cupboard you are going through to find some extremely irrelevant yet extremely necessary document.

Yesterday, I was waiting at Nal Stop for the traffic lights to change. Now anyone who has waited there at 6.00 p.m. will tell you that the pollution, the heat, the noise and the entire atmosphere is absolutely unbearable. I was standing next to a PMT Bus. A kid selling flowers and roses boarded the bus from the door next to the driver. The driver gave him an irritated look. He looked tired and harassed. The boy put his big basket full of roses, nishigandh and mogra next to the driver on top of the gearbox or whatever is there near the driver. The driver took a deep breath and suddenly, he didn’t look irritated. He suddenly forgot all the cacophony, all the pollution and all the aggravation one feels while driving in jam-packed streets. His face relaxed and he gave a wonderful smile to the boy and said something. The boy also smiled back, took one rose out of the basket and gave it to the driver. The driver accepted it and started to reach for his wallet, but the boy shook his head and said something. The driver laughed and put his hands back on the steering. I really felt sorry that I couldn’t hear anything they said.

I turned my attention to the traffic lights, adjusted my rear-view mirror and found myself smiling at my reflection in the mirror.

Posted 11:12 PM by The Consultant
Top ten ways of getting kicked out of Loksabha/Vidhansabha:

10. No, please complete your argument first. Let me listen to what you have to say.

9. Sir, I have a proposal to link our payments with our performance.

8. Sir, we are wasting too much time here. Why not deduct the cost from our
salaries?

7. I think we are spending too much on the security of MPs.

6. Hands up!!!!! …… Heh, heh, relax! It’s a joke!

5. Sir, I have these videotapes, which conclusively prove that…

4. Damn, how does this mike come off?

3. No, I do not have any criminal cases filed against me.

2. Sir, the truth is…

1. Sir, what about the People of India?

Posted 1:18 AM by The Consultant
An idea!

Today, I am going to talk about politics. There was a time when I was very interested in politics. In those days, I was a fanatic supporter of BJP. I used to read all the magazines and periodicals that were pro-BJP. People who talked with me used to admire the fact that this 12-year-old reads so much, knows so much about the Indian politics. But soon all my enthusiasm, my belief in the BJP disappeared. I realized that it was no different from any other political party. The change in BJP happened over a period of 5-6 years. Soon there was no difference between the Congress and BJP. I stopped reading all the articles that dealt with the politics.

Well, all that I just wrote is totally unrelated to what I am going to discuss now. :-)

I was thinking about the performance evaluation and its effect on the reward to the employees. (It had to do a bit with the project that I am doing in my summers. I do not like to think about the HR topics at all.) I suddenly realized that we could do the same thing in the Indian politics.

The politicians make a lot of promises. We can have a condition that if they do not implement their promises; they cannot stand for any election again in their life. This is the basic idea.

To implement the idea, it is necessary that all the promises that the politicians make should be in quantitative terms. As far the promises related to the number of jobs or the infrastructure are concerned, it is quite easy to quantify them. We will not be able to quantify the promises like,” I will ensure that there will be no riots etc.” But at least some portion of the manifesto can be quantified.

The politicians will also have to describe how much they will achieve at the end of one year, at the end of 2 years and so on. This will ensure that they cannot escape from their responsibilities just because the Government could not last the entire five-year term.

At the time of the new elections, only those politicians who have achieved what they promised they would, would be allowed to stand for the elections. It is quite easy to see that there are a lot of loopholes in the idea. There are a lot ways in which the politicians can argue that the idea does not make sense or cannot be implemented. But my point is that even if the idea is not 100% successful, at least some amount of development will take place. At least some incompetent politicians will be thrown out of the system.

I feel that the idea is more suitable at local level than at the national level. The ordinary citizen is more concerned about the everyday problems that he encounters. I feel that the idea might be a good solution at local levels, so that the incompetent people are thrown out of the system before they go up the political hierarchy.

Now, how do we get the idea converted into a law? I feel that there are some options here.
1. The idea can be implemented by one of the political parties voluntarily. (Which is a remote possibility)
2. Public interest litigation
3. Popular pressure on political parties.

3rd option seems to have the best chance to succeed, though it will be difficult to generate such pressure. But instead of trying to implement it on a national level, if we try to implement it a local level, it just may work. For example, if people in Pune decide that this regulation should be put into place for the local elections, it is quite possible that one or two local parties may accept the idea just to get some votes at least.

What do you think? Is the idea feasible?

Posted 4:21 AM by The Consultant
Picchur, the Phillum

You must have read about the Picchur, the Phillum on Gaurav’s website. (www.gauravsabnis.blogspot.com) If you haven’t, please do. For those, who do not have the time to visit the site, I can explain in a few words. It is the baap of all spoofs. It will ridicule all the clichés used in Hindi movies and try and make you laugh. There is one particularly funny scene about the pigeons that you must go and read about on Gaurav’s site.

I just composed a couple of scenes to put into that movie. Now, as Hindi movies do not have any storyline, I feel that it would be quite easy to put in these scenes. Now, this particular scene that I am going describe is sufficiently nauseating. So if you do not like PJs or Pushkar’s Jokes, as they are known in IIM Lucknow, I suggest that you skip this scene.

By the way, all the dialogues would be in Hindi, but I am writing them in English. This is not because I am targeting a global audience, but because my Hindi is as strong as Bangladeshi Batting.

Scene: Father is about to die, the Son comes running from wherever the hell he was.

Father: Beta
(not in a typical I-am-about-to-die voice, but more in the style of Dharmendra’s famous “Kutttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttte!!!!!!!!!!!!!”)

Son: Ji Pitaji

Father: Banno ki shaadi dhoom-dhaam se karna

Son: Ji Pitaji, yeh dhoom-dhaam kahan rehta hai?

Father: (ignoring the last remark) Do take care of your mother

Son: Ji Pitaji

Father: Khandaan ki izzat salamaat rakhna!
(Okay, how can I dare to translate this favourite phrase?)

Son: Ji Pitaji

Father: Do not indulge in corruption……………. (A lot of advice on the moral practices)

Son: Ji Pitaji. Do not worry. I will manage it all. But can you tell me one thing?

Father: What is that?

Son: (suddenly yelling in the “Kutttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttte!” Ishtyle)
What is so special about the Maggi Hot and Sweet Tomato Chilly sauce?

Father: Its Different!!

Sorry for that!
The movie will be co-produced by me and Gaurav and possibly Sunil Joshi if he wants to be associated with the likes of us. If you have any scenes, please do contribute. We can make the 3-hour script available on the net and may be send it to MTV or Channel V.

I guess that last sentence is the result of 1 year of managerial education where I keep looking for commercial possibilities everywhere.

Posted 10:04 PM by The Consultant
If You're Happy And You Know It Bomb Iraq

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi,
And your alibi is shoddy,
And your tastes remain quite gaudy,
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think that SUVs,
Are the best thing since sliced cheese,
And your father you must please,
Bomb Iraq.
If the globe is quickly warming, bomb Iraq.
If the poor will soon be storming, bomb Iraq.
We assert that might makes right,
Burning oil is a delight,
For the empire we will fight,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain’t easy,
And your manhood’s getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might now knows no borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We’ll call it treason,
It's the make war not love season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.

Source: John Robbins
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokebombiraq.htm

Posted 8:59 PM by The Consultant
The life is one funny ride. People are such funny animals. The other day, I was criticizing the US policies for attacking Iraq. Today, in my summer training, I am thinking how the company for which I am working can sell its products in Iraq. By the way, the company makes some products, which are useful in certain situations during the construction of roads, bridges and flyovers.

Is this a normal reaction or am I becoming a vulture too?

Posted 3:28 AM by The Consultant
The beginning of the end

The war in Iraq is nearing its logical end. But this is not what the title of this particular post is referring to. I am referring to the end of United States of America.
No, I am not joking at all. In fact, I am quite serious. Please read this and tell me if I am wrong in my assessment.
The war against terror that Mr. Bush has started is turning out to be the war that will create new terrorists. The civilian casualties in Iraq have been mounting. I am not saying that USA is deliberately targeting them. But try explaining that to the relatives of the victims.
These incidents will spawn a new generation of terrorists who will target USA. With increasing spread of the nuclear technology, I do not feel that the day is far off when these terrorists will have these weapons at their disposal.
USA might be the world leader in weapon technology. But it is not the technology, but the people who determine whether a battle is won or lost.
But there is still hope that the citizens of USA will realize the stupidity of its rulers. Then, instead of the end of the USA, it will be the end of the attitude it is currently displaying.
I am in no way justifying the deeds of Saddam nor am I saying that USA does not have the right to protect itself from the perpetrators of terror. I feel the way they are going about this business is utterly wrong.
The right of a US citizen to lead a peaceful life is not more important than the right of Ali Ismaeel Abbas to lead a peaceful life. If USA refuses to recognize this, then it might be made to understand it the hard way by the embittered souls in Iraq.
So what could be the solution to the problem being faced by USA? After all, it is very easy to criticize someone if you are not going to recommend an alternative course of action.
Well, the first thing USA could do is to recognize the right of all the people to determine the way they live their lives. I believe that a country gets the ruler it deserves. In India, we have so many corrupt politicians making a mockery of democracy, because that is what we deserve. If the Indians do not make any collective effort to remove these elements, then that is what we will continue to get.
Hence, if Iraqis are suffering, it is because the lack of collective effort there. I agree that it is easy to pass these comments sitting in the comforts of my home. But, all the countries ruled by the dictators have faced impossible odds. But they have triumphed even against those odds. Iraqis should have been allowed to do the same thing. It would have been the logical thing to do.
But what should USA do if the weapons of mass destruction developed in Iraq target USA? I feel that the solution to this danger is to develop an advanced version of Patriot or some similar technology that will give it some protection. After all, Iraq is not the only country from which USA faces such danger and it cannot hope to solve such issues by going after each and every country.
I hope that sanity prevails in USA soon.